BAH HUMBUG!!!

I have not had a very good last couple of weeks and am about ready to check myself into the looney bin!! First off, let's talk Christmas! I know you are supposed to look at the real reason we have Christmas, but really?? I'm having a huge problem with religion at this point in my life! I feel like REM wrote that stupid song, "Losing My Religion" just for me right about now!! Same thing with Thanksgiving where you are SUPPOSED to reflect on what you are thankful for. That was difficult for me to say the least. Granted I LOVE my family, don't get me wrong, but I believe we are all allowed to have a pity party once in a while!! I am NOT thankful for the fact that I cannot conceive, I am NOT thankful for the flippin' economy, I am NOT thankful for this overwhelming feeling of "My life sucks!"

My birthday is in 11 days and I haven't accomplished anything I wanted to. I have an amazing husband and 3 beautiful children to show for my 35 years here on this earth, but isn't there more? Am I just being selfish? It was a year ago that I started the TTC a 4th journey, and I have CRAP to show for it other than being in debt!! I'm having a difficult time with the fact that I will never have children again. This feeling is getting worse as my birthday approaches!! I thought for sure I'd be pregnant in a years time. I never thought that 35 was a cutoff number to have children. People do it everyday in their mid 30's and 40's why am I not included in these statistics? I wish I could just find a DR. that will tell me the truth whether or not it is possible for me to conceive!! I am not willing to go the IVF route as there is no guarantee and it's way too expensive for a one time shot!! Maybe I just need to find a hobby or job!! I sit here, day after day, alone and cry!! I have lost all my daycare kids which used to keep me busy enough where I didn't have time to play the "What if" game! Now it's just me, this computer, and a box of kleenex! I HATE THE HOLIDAYS AND I HATE BIRTHDAYS AND I HATE TRYING TO PRETEND I'M OK WHEN I'M NOT!!!