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So I am having a really hard time coping again:( I don't know why such a little thing set me off but I believe it has been sitting dormant just waiting to come to a head!!! I had my appointment on Tuesday to see when they a surgery date would be set for my polyp to be removed. So the nurse tells me that Dr. wants to do another ultrasound to make sure the polyp hasn't gotten any larger or to see if there is another one. I really hadn't planned on another ultrasound, but WHATEVER! So, as I lay on the table with my feet in stir-ups the nurse and I engage in small talk. Hey, what else are you going to do in an uncomfortable situation?! Anyway, I explain to her that we have to adopt someone elses frozen embryos as I have TTC for 2 years to no avail. I tell her, jokingly, that my ovaries just refuse to cooperate. To which she replies, "You're right. There's NOTHING going on in there!" Even though I KNEW this was the case, hearing it from someone else so non-chalant just crushed me!!! I have been having a hard time to begin with as I am not a patient person and all of the friends I have met online are either in the process of something to achieve pregnancy or they are pregnant!! All of the emotions I have been trying to deal with and hide all came flooding out when I heard the nurses comments:(
So now I am dealing with the "what if" factor again. What if this doesn't work for us? What if I just am not meant to be pregnant again? How am I going to deal with the news when I finally have to face facts? To top it off, I am not thrilled with the fertility Dr. I am seeing. There is another Dr. in the practice, but he is such high demand that I get stuck with the one who really could care less if I become pregnant or not! NO bedside manner at all!!! The problem is I have no other option at this point. There are no other fertility specialist's in this area and I am already on the waiting list for embryo adoption. I can't afford any other treatment and IUI's are pointless for me. I just have this overwhelming sense of doom already and I haven't even gone through the process yet. 50% success rates are good but I am having a problem wrapping my brain around the fact that I would be in that 50% success rate. My mind already has my success rate at about 10% and I can't tell it to shut up right now!!!! I think it just makes it worse that I am the last of all of my online friends to have my positive outcome. I am really happy for them but sad at the same time! Jake thinks I need to stay off of the boards for a while to try to get my sanity back, but I'm not sure that will help either. I am going to call next week and set up some counseling appointments. I didn't want to admit that it has gotten this far, but I'm afraid it has:( Surgery is Friday so my only saving grace is that they find something else while they are in there that can explain my crappy luck. I won't hold my breath though!!!!!!
I can't believe I haven't posted anything since Christmas and we are almost at Easter!! WOW!! Either I have been really lazy or really busy! So, for those of you who don't know, I have ALOT that has changed since my whiney Christmas post. We are TTC AGAIN!!! This time around I do not have to worry about my "OLD" eggs!! Jake and I are awaiting a match with Embryo Adoption!! We are currently 5th on the list and should be having transfer sometime this summer!! We had a consult with the DR. yesterday which went AMAZINGLY well!! I did find out that I have a polyp in my uterus that needs to come out though but Dr. said it wasn't a big deal. Now I am having a hard time trying to find a Dr. locally that will take it out sooner than later. I asked for stats yesterday while we were there and they give it a 50% success rate. I would LOVE to get excited about these odds, but it's hard sometimes when you have been through as much as we have:( Our conselor said that if it fails, after our 2 try maximum that we have given ourselves, then we have to realize that we have given it every attempt we could have possibly given and that we should feel proud for not giving up!!! She said that we have to give ourselves a "enough is enough point" and cannot cross it. GEEZ she makes it sound like I'm obsessed or something! LOL!! I feel really good about this chance as I will not have to worry about whether or not I can get my body to cooperate. All I need to do is make a nice, cozy environment for the lil' beans to snuggle in. I think I can handle that!!! I will post more as the process continues:)
I have not had a very good last couple of weeks and am about ready to check myself into the looney bin!! First off, let's talk Christmas! I know you are supposed to look at the real reason we have Christmas, but really?? I'm having a huge problem with religion at this point in my life! I feel like REM wrote that stupid song, "Losing My Religion" just for me right about now!! Same thing with Thanksgiving where you are SUPPOSED to reflect on what you are thankful for. That was difficult for me to say the least. Granted I LOVE my family, don't get me wrong, but I believe we are all allowed to have a pity party once in a while!! I am NOT thankful for the fact that I cannot conceive, I am NOT thankful for the flippin' economy, I am NOT thankful for this overwhelming feeling of "My life sucks!"
My birthday is in 11 days and I haven't accomplished anything I wanted to. I have an amazing husband and 3 beautiful children to show for my 35 years here on this earth, but isn't there more? Am I just being selfish? It was a year ago that I started the TTC a 4th journey, and I have CRAP to show for it other than being in debt!! I'm having a difficult time with the fact that I will never have children again. This feeling is getting worse as my birthday approaches!! I thought for sure I'd be pregnant in a years time. I never thought that 35 was a cutoff number to have children. People do it everyday in their mid 30's and 40's why am I not included in these statistics? I wish I could just find a DR. that will tell me the truth whether or not it is possible for me to conceive!! I am not willing to go the IVF route as there is no guarantee and it's way too expensive for a one time shot!! Maybe I just need to find a hobby or job!! I sit here, day after day, alone and cry!! I have lost all my daycare kids which used to keep me busy enough where I didn't have time to play the "What if" game! Now it's just me, this computer, and a box of kleenex! I HATE THE HOLIDAYS AND I HATE BIRTHDAYS AND I HATE TRYING TO PRETEND I'M OK WHEN I'M NOT!!!
So I finally sent in the paperwork to Lutheran Services!! Not turning back now I guess:) We still have to get fingerprints, medical clearance, and driving record....but other than that it's all over but the crying! However, I have been so emotional lately when it comes to the fact that I cannot have another child with my husband. I just can't seem to let it go. Men are different from women as they have no biological clock. Mine doesn't tick....it's more like an alarm clock every morning that says, "What the hell are you doing? You can't give up now!!" So, do I listen to the clock and dig myself a deeper hole in this TTC world? Do I continue to hit the snooze button and ignore it? HELL NO!!! Jake and I discussed it and we want to get back to the place where there are no frozen dewars to deal with! Back to the way that the good lord intended. We are now going to have a re-do of Jake's Vasectomy Reversal!!!!! Whose excited? I am!! Shockingly he is too!! We are still going to foster with the hope of adopting though as those babies need forever homes!! So I contacted a Dr. Wilson out of Oklahoma as he was very resonable in price and has a gaurantee!! However, he replied and it looks like we won't be going with him as our miracle worker:( He said that we will need a bypass surgeon and he does not perform these types of surgeries. He said that if he did the procedure the standard way, he would give us a 35% chance of conceiving. I DO NOT LIKE THOSE ODDS!! That's about the same odds that we would have with IVF! So, I then found another Dr. out of Texas that will perform the procedure at no extra charge!! He is also reasonable in price!! I will be contacting them later today if I can find the time. We will not be doing anything until Spring though, as I will be using my tax return to foot the bill. Plus Jake always slows down with work in the spring, so what better time to take a relaxing vacation to Texas for surgery??LOL!! I pray that this works for us as I am NOT A QUITTER!!!!
So we had our orientation with Luther Family Services on November 5th. This of course happened to be the day before Jake was leaving for his big Deer Hunt of 2008 in Kentucky. So of course he's complaining that he has to attend a 3 hour meeting at 5:30PM the day before he leaves. So it shocked me when we got there and he asked questions!!!! I know, right?! Of course we had to watch a movie that looked like it had been made in the 80's and we both laughed all the way home!!! So that loghtened th emood a little bit!! It took all the strength I had not to bust a gut while we were watching it!! SOOO CHEEZY!! So fast forward to a week later when the deer slayer returns from his hunt to find out that I had ALL the paperwork filled out and there was only his part left. So, he looked at it and of couses tells me that he is NOT filling that out as it is too personal and they don't need to know EVERYTHING!! The plus side is that he seems VERY excited about adopting, the negative side is that he feels he doesn't need to cave for ANYTHING!! So, I have to call the social worker and see if she can let him slide on that one as technically I am going to be the foster parent....he kind of just lives here:) Don't get me wrong, he will be the best foster parent around...when he's here!! I'll touch base more when I get my ducks in a row!! OFF TO PLAY MONOPOLY:)
So here I sit on the day of my meeting with Lutheran Services. I can't help feeling like time has just stopped completely for me. I was excited on making the decision to move forward with adoption, but now it just seems like the process is going to take forever!!! I dread this meeting tonight as I know that the caseworker is going to see me as selfish and I don't blame her!! As I have said before, I only want to foster babies or toddlers as I will be first in line when parental rights are terminated. There are plenty of older children who need foster homes as well, but I just can't bring myself to take them. One of the main reasons for this is the horrible experience my sister in law had with fostering a ten year old. I know that most of the older children in the foster system have emotional or mental issues and I cannot take that on right now!!! If I open my home and heart to a toddler or infant, there will be more room to work with them in showing them affection, attention, and love. The older children have trust issues and some may never learn to trust again!! Another reason I would like a younger child is that I already have infants and toddlers in daycare so I am used to having them around. It's something that I enjoy and makes it that much more easier to stick to the same routine! (Must be the ADHD in me!!) So, now the dealing with Jake part comes along!! He is leaving for his "Big Hunt" tomorrow so he chooses last night to pick his normal fight!! He doesn't want to attend this meeting on the eve of his departure as he thinks he has too much to do. (He's been packed for 2 weeks!) But, he will do it for me. The problem I have with this is that I want him to do something for him and not me! I'm so tired of hearing, "You always get what you want so what does it matter?" Or the famous, "I have sacraficed so much for you" REALLY?? What would that be? To which he has NO reply. Anyway, we worked it out for now but I am sure this won't be the last discussion on the matter. I have been told that we both have to attend training and he HATES anything that takes up more than a half hour of his time!! I told him we could postpone this meeting, but that is going to set me back 2 months as hunting season is upon us and won't be done until mid December. BLAH!!! He agreed to keep the meeting as it is but scheduling our training will be another heated issue! All I know is that the process to become licensed takes anywhere from 6-9 months and I have NO PATIENCE! So, if you could kindly direct me to the nearest patience store I would greatly appreciate it!!!!
So, I have made my decision on what agency I am going to use. Heaven Sent Adoption Agency is right here in my own neck of the woods!! I received the information pack yesterday and it looks like it's a go!! I have to fill out the application when Jake is ready. He told me yesterday that I needed to slow down as I was running in 6 different directions and that it was too overwhelming for him. So....I sit and wait until he's ready to talk about it and fill out the application with me. I talked to the director of the agency as I had a few questions for her and she said that once the application is received then the Home Study can be scheduled in about a week. Which leads me to another problem....Jake leaves for his hunt in Kentucky of Thursday and all of my available cash is going with him!!! So, I won't have the down payment for the Home Study until right around Thanksgiving!!! Oh well, I have waited this long for my lil' Crib Midget, I can wait a little longer. I asked the director what the usual wait time is and of course there's no real answer to this question! She did say around a year but if we are willing to adopt bi-racial then it could be quicker. Jake is still on the fence on that one so I am not going to press the issue. I believe that when we get that "you baby is here" call, it won't matter to him what color the baby is. However, if he chooses a caucasion only, then I have to respect that and not throw my usual hissy fit that he is so accustomed to!! God I'm such a whiner!!!!!
Now comes the part that I hate. The what if factor? I am placing my trust in another mother to fufill my wish and it is so difficult to sit back and let someone else have full control of my happiness. Sure, TTC on my own was the same way as I had to have faith in the dr's that something would work for me. But, I have since lost that faith which leads me to the decision to adopt. SO....Open or Closed? Well, that decision has already been made and I'm afraid it will take longer for us to adopt than originally planned. Our wait may be up to 2 years as we are going with CLOSED aoption. I know that that's selfish in a way, but I want to have the right to tell my child when the time is right. If we chose open, it would almost feel like a divorce in a sense that there will always be someone else in my childs life that he/she will have to answer to. If that makes any sense at all!! I don't wish to send pictures nor do i wish to receive letters. I would love for the adoption to go as smooth as possible and when finalized...that's it!! This is a very controversial issue with adoption and I don't want to step on anyone's toes who may be going through the same process, but it's a life choice for us. I want to be able to go on about my business when this is all over and not have to worry about someone coming to take my child back. That is my biggest fear with open adoption as they have a chance to attach which may lead to them taking back the child. I know is sounds stupid, but that's the only way we would adopt. I did ask the agency how often does a birth mother change her mind and she said that it has happened once where the child was in the adoptees home for 5 days. Some mothers change their mind right before the birth or right after delivery. I guess we just face that when the time comes though as I can totally relate to what they must be going through and I would hold no ill will towards them for changing their mind. Sure, I would be dissapointed.....but not angry!! I would just get right back on the waiting list. When you have been TTC as long as I have, you are used to your share of dissapointments. The agency did tell me that the only money we would be out in that situation would be the expenses that we paid to the birth mother for housing, food, clothes, etc. Other than that, there would be no fee to wait it out for another mother to come along.
Now, about the Home Study. I am excited to get the ball rolling, but I am nervous at the same time. My biggest concern is our animals!!! We have tons!!!!!!!!! I have 3 Yellow Labradors, 1 English Bulldog, 1 Minature Daschund, 1 cat and that's just in the house!!!!!! We also haev 30 chickens and a pot bellied pig that live outdoors. Well the pig started in the house but he ate my drywall so that's another story!!LOL!! Anyway, I have to do some research on adoption boards to see if all this chaos is going to hurt my chances. I don't see why it would though as I run a Daycare in my home and I haven't had a problem with my license or the parents who bring their children. Oh well, I guess I had 1 day not to stress and worry about things...now I am right back at it!!! It must be my ADHD:)
