We Have Picked An Agency!!

So, I have made my decision on what agency I am going to use. Heaven Sent Adoption Agency is right here in my own neck of the woods!! I received the information pack yesterday and it looks like it's a go!! I have to fill out the application when Jake is ready. He told me yesterday that I needed to slow down as I was running in 6 different directions and that it was too overwhelming for him. So....I sit and wait until he's ready to talk about it and fill out the application with me. I talked to the director of the agency as I had a few questions for her and she said that once the application is received then the Home Study can be scheduled in about a week. Which leads me to another problem....Jake leaves for his hunt in Kentucky of Thursday and all of my available cash is going with him!!! So, I won't have the down payment for the Home Study until right around Thanksgiving!!! Oh well, I have waited this long for my lil' Crib Midget, I can wait a little longer. I asked the director what the usual wait time is and of course there's no real answer to this question! She did say around a year but if we are willing to adopt bi-racial then it could be quicker. Jake is still on the fence on that one so I am not going to press the issue. I believe that when we get that "you baby is here" call, it won't matter to him what color the baby is. However, if he chooses a caucasion only, then I have to respect that and not throw my usual hissy fit that he is so accustomed to!! God I'm such a whiner!!!!!
Now comes the part that I hate. The what if factor? I am placing my trust in another mother to fufill my wish and it is so difficult to sit back and let someone else have full control of my happiness. Sure, TTC on my own was the same way as I had to have faith in the dr's that something would work for me. But, I have since lost that faith which leads me to the decision to adopt. SO....Open or Closed? Well, that decision has already been made and I'm afraid it will take longer for us to adopt than originally planned. Our wait may be up to 2 years as we are going with CLOSED aoption. I know that that's selfish in a way, but I want to have the right to tell my child when the time is right. If we chose open, it would almost feel like a divorce in a sense that there will always be someone else in my childs life that he/she will have to answer to. If that makes any sense at all!! I don't wish to send pictures nor do i wish to receive letters. I would love for the adoption to go as smooth as possible and when finalized...that's it!! This is a very controversial issue with adoption and I don't want to step on anyone's toes who may be going through the same process, but it's a life choice for us. I want to be able to go on about my business when this is all over and not have to worry about someone coming to take my child back. That is my biggest fear with open adoption as they have a chance to attach which may lead to them taking back the child. I know is sounds stupid, but that's the only way we would adopt. I did ask the agency how often does a birth mother change her mind and she said that it has happened once where the child was in the adoptees home for 5 days. Some mothers change their mind right before the birth or right after delivery. I guess we just face that when the time comes though as I can totally relate to what they must be going through and I would hold no ill will towards them for changing their mind. Sure, I would be dissapointed.....but not angry!! I would just get right back on the waiting list. When you have been TTC as long as I have, you are used to your share of dissapointments. The agency did tell me that the only money we would be out in that situation would be the expenses that we paid to the birth mother for housing, food, clothes, etc. Other than that, there would be no fee to wait it out for another mother to come along.
Now, about the Home Study. I am excited to get the ball rolling, but I am nervous at the same time. My biggest concern is our animals!!! We have tons!!!!!!!!! I have 3 Yellow Labradors, 1 English Bulldog, 1 Minature Daschund, 1 cat and that's just in the house!!!!!! We also haev 30 chickens and a pot bellied pig that live outdoors. Well the pig started in the house but he ate my drywall so that's another story!!LOL!! Anyway, I have to do some research on adoption boards to see if all this chaos is going to hurt my chances. I don't see why it would though as I run a Daycare in my home and I haven't had a problem with my license or the parents who bring their children. Oh well, I guess I had 1 day not to stress and worry about things...now I am right back at it!!! It must be my ADHD:)

And My Decision Is............

So after almost a full day of research and reading other stories of women who are TTC in the same situation I am in, I have come to the conclusion that adoption is my best route! I haven't even talked to the DR. yet, but I can't see him giving me a guarantee that IVF will work the first time. I cannot put myself through anymore turmoil. So, I have contacted a local agency to get the ball rolling. They are sending me an information packet and, once I have looked that over, I will decide on the best agency for me. The homestudy will be started ASAP as I have NO patience left whatsoever!!! I have also contacted Lutheran Family Services and have an orientation set for November 5th at 5:30PM so I can start the ball rolling with my Foster Care License. I figure that while I wait to adopt, I will foster. And, if the situation arises where I may adopt from within the foster care system then even better!!! However, I feel extremely selfish with doing that as I want an infant!! Sure, infants sometimes come into foster care, but not very often. But I will take ANY child into my home that needs love and attention....I just can't see myself adopting them. The women in charge of licensing told me that they are not looking for foster homes to adopt as they are wishing that the families will regain parental control and take them back. That does make me feel better in a sense. Plus I will be making a difference in a childs life. Does it get any better than that?? Anyway, if all goes well I will have my Home Study done in the next month or so and I can be placed on the list. The agency I am thinking of going to has a very quick wait time!!! They are in desperate need for homes for bi-racial babies and I have no problem whatsoever with that!!!!! Jake on the other hand does!! It's going to take a miracle to open his eyes!!!!

OMG! I have a Blog!!!

Holy Cow! I am crafty!! So, here I am on the first day of my blog entries. I started this blog as I am at a crossroads. Jake and I have been doing these DAMN IUI treatments for the past year and nothing has come of it! It's like throwing $5000.00 out the window. For the past 2 cycles I was placed on Follistim for my IUI's to help increase the number of follicles. Well, injects just don't do a thing for me at this point in my life I guess. I had high FSH in August (15.5) and started taking DHEA to help that number go down. Well, it did!!! It was 9 with my last cycle in October after taking the DHEA for about 2 months. However, it did nothing for my response to the injects!! So I am in a pickle. Jake is getting angry (There's a big shock!) and he's at the point of giving me 1 final shot to get the elusive crib midget. So.....should that final shot be adoption as you are guaranteed a child as your end result?! Or should I bite the bullet and try a round of IVF. Which I don't think is going to do anything for us as I DO NOT respond to the drugs!! Let's look at the pros and cons shall we:

ADOPTION-

Guaranteed success!
EXPENSIVE- $10,000-$30,000
Long Wait- Between 12-18 months

IVF-

No guaranteed success!
Time consuming
LOT'S of Hormones (As if I don't have enough raging through my body!)
SAME DAMN let down if not successful! After 12 months of this crap I don't think my heart can take any more :(

So, it is going to a very stressful next week or so until I can clear my head and make a decision on what's best for us. I have a phone consult set up with Dr. Young tomorrow morning at 10:40am. I am hoping that he will be HONEST with me and not feed me a line of bull to make me think that IVF will be my saving grace. As of right now, I don't think anything will be my saving grace!!!