My Downward Spiral

So I am having a really hard time coping again:( I don't know why such a little thing set me off but I believe it has been sitting dormant just waiting to come to a head!!! I had my appointment on Tuesday to see when they a surgery date would be set for my polyp to be removed. So the nurse tells me that Dr. wants to do another ultrasound to make sure the polyp hasn't gotten any larger or to see if there is another one. I really hadn't planned on another ultrasound, but WHATEVER! So, as I lay on the table with my feet in stir-ups the nurse and I engage in small talk. Hey, what else are you going to do in an uncomfortable situation?! Anyway, I explain to her that we have to adopt someone elses frozen embryos as I have TTC for 2 years to no avail. I tell her, jokingly, that my ovaries just refuse to cooperate. To which she replies, "You're right. There's NOTHING going on in there!" Even though I KNEW this was the case, hearing it from someone else so non-chalant just crushed me!!! I have been having a hard time to begin with as I am not a patient person and all of the friends I have met online are either in the process of something to achieve pregnancy or they are pregnant!! All of the emotions I have been trying to deal with and hide all came flooding out when I heard the nurses comments:(

So now I am dealing with the "what if" factor again. What if this doesn't work for us? What if I just am not meant to be pregnant again? How am I going to deal with the news when I finally have to face facts? To top it off, I am not thrilled with the fertility Dr. I am seeing. There is another Dr. in the practice, but he is such high demand that I get stuck with the one who really could care less if I become pregnant or not! NO bedside manner at all!!! The problem is I have no other option at this point. There are no other fertility specialist's in this area and I am already on the waiting list for embryo adoption. I can't afford any other treatment and IUI's are pointless for me. I just have this overwhelming sense of doom already and I haven't even gone through the process yet. 50% success rates are good but I am having a problem wrapping my brain around the fact that I would be in that 50% success rate. My mind already has my success rate at about 10% and I can't tell it to shut up right now!!!! I think it just makes it worse that I am the last of all of my online friends to have my positive outcome. I am really happy for them but sad at the same time! Jake thinks I need to stay off of the boards for a while to try to get my sanity back, but I'm not sure that will help either. I am going to call next week and set up some counseling appointments. I didn't want to admit that it has gotten this far, but I'm afraid it has:( Surgery is Friday so my only saving grace is that they find something else while they are in there that can explain my crappy luck. I won't hold my breath though!!!!!!

WOW!!! I have not updated in FOREVER!!!!

I can't believe I haven't posted anything since Christmas and we are almost at Easter!! WOW!! Either I have been really lazy or really busy! So, for those of you who don't know, I have ALOT that has changed since my whiney Christmas post.

We are TTC AGAIN!!! This time around I do not have to worry about my "OLD" eggs!! Jake and I are awaiting a match with Embryo Adoption!! We are currently 5th on the list and should be having transfer sometime this summer!! We had a consult with the DR. yesterday which went AMAZINGLY well!! I did find out that I have a polyp in my uterus that needs to come out though but Dr. said it wasn't a big deal. Now I am having a hard time trying to find a Dr. locally that will take it out sooner than later.

I asked for stats yesterday while we were there and they give it a 50% success rate. I would LOVE to get excited about these odds, but it's hard sometimes when you have been through as much as we have:( Our conselor said that if it fails, after our 2 try maximum that we have given ourselves, then we have to realize that we have given it every attempt we could have possibly given and that we should feel proud for not giving up!!! She said that we have to give ourselves a "enough is enough point" and cannot cross it. GEEZ she makes it sound like I'm obsessed or something! LOL!! I feel really good about this chance as I will not have to worry about whether or not I can get my body to cooperate. All I need to do is make a nice, cozy environment for the lil' beans to snuggle in. I think I can handle that!!! I will post more as the process continues:)