We Have Picked An Agency!!

So, I have made my decision on what agency I am going to use. Heaven Sent Adoption Agency is right here in my own neck of the woods!! I received the information pack yesterday and it looks like it's a go!! I have to fill out the application when Jake is ready. He told me yesterday that I needed to slow down as I was running in 6 different directions and that it was too overwhelming for him. So....I sit and wait until he's ready to talk about it and fill out the application with me. I talked to the director of the agency as I had a few questions for her and she said that once the application is received then the Home Study can be scheduled in about a week. Which leads me to another problem....Jake leaves for his hunt in Kentucky of Thursday and all of my available cash is going with him!!! So, I won't have the down payment for the Home Study until right around Thanksgiving!!! Oh well, I have waited this long for my lil' Crib Midget, I can wait a little longer. I asked the director what the usual wait time is and of course there's no real answer to this question! She did say around a year but if we are willing to adopt bi-racial then it could be quicker. Jake is still on the fence on that one so I am not going to press the issue. I believe that when we get that "you baby is here" call, it won't matter to him what color the baby is. However, if he chooses a caucasion only, then I have to respect that and not throw my usual hissy fit that he is so accustomed to!! God I'm such a whiner!!!!!
Now comes the part that I hate. The what if factor? I am placing my trust in another mother to fufill my wish and it is so difficult to sit back and let someone else have full control of my happiness. Sure, TTC on my own was the same way as I had to have faith in the dr's that something would work for me. But, I have since lost that faith which leads me to the decision to adopt. SO....Open or Closed? Well, that decision has already been made and I'm afraid it will take longer for us to adopt than originally planned. Our wait may be up to 2 years as we are going with CLOSED aoption. I know that that's selfish in a way, but I want to have the right to tell my child when the time is right. If we chose open, it would almost feel like a divorce in a sense that there will always be someone else in my childs life that he/she will have to answer to. If that makes any sense at all!! I don't wish to send pictures nor do i wish to receive letters. I would love for the adoption to go as smooth as possible and when finalized...that's it!! This is a very controversial issue with adoption and I don't want to step on anyone's toes who may be going through the same process, but it's a life choice for us. I want to be able to go on about my business when this is all over and not have to worry about someone coming to take my child back. That is my biggest fear with open adoption as they have a chance to attach which may lead to them taking back the child. I know is sounds stupid, but that's the only way we would adopt. I did ask the agency how often does a birth mother change her mind and she said that it has happened once where the child was in the adoptees home for 5 days. Some mothers change their mind right before the birth or right after delivery. I guess we just face that when the time comes though as I can totally relate to what they must be going through and I would hold no ill will towards them for changing their mind. Sure, I would be dissapointed.....but not angry!! I would just get right back on the waiting list. When you have been TTC as long as I have, you are used to your share of dissapointments. The agency did tell me that the only money we would be out in that situation would be the expenses that we paid to the birth mother for housing, food, clothes, etc. Other than that, there would be no fee to wait it out for another mother to come along.
Now, about the Home Study. I am excited to get the ball rolling, but I am nervous at the same time. My biggest concern is our animals!!! We have tons!!!!!!!!! I have 3 Yellow Labradors, 1 English Bulldog, 1 Minature Daschund, 1 cat and that's just in the house!!!!!! We also haev 30 chickens and a pot bellied pig that live outdoors. Well the pig started in the house but he ate my drywall so that's another story!!LOL!! Anyway, I have to do some research on adoption boards to see if all this chaos is going to hurt my chances. I don't see why it would though as I run a Daycare in my home and I haven't had a problem with my license or the parents who bring their children. Oh well, I guess I had 1 day not to stress and worry about things...now I am right back at it!!! It must be my ADHD:)